Kaylen Grigarus

[kaylen]

HEAR US NOW - - -

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LET THE WHOLE THING BLOW

B A S I C I N F O

★ NAME: Kaylen Grigarus
★ NICKNAME: Gri Gri, Reaper
★ MEMBER GROUP: gijinka
★ POKEMON: Dusknoir
★ STATUS Legal
★ AGE: 19
★ HEIGHT: 6'1
★ WEIGHT: 170
★ FACE CLAIM: Lacus Marge/LegendSeven
★ APPEARANCE:

Appearance wise Kaylen is a rather "flashy" dresser but in the terms of his depressingly dark fashions. He stands 6'1 tall and his body type is sleek yet slightly muscular which explain his nimble movements. His hair is long roughly 20 inches and is of a grey depiction. His attire consist of a grey and black body suit with Gold and purple trimmings very reminiscent of the Dusknoir DNA flowing through him. His eyes are a piercing blood red and his skin a milky cream complexion. He weighs in at about 170 which is rather light for his body type.

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P E R S O N A L I T Y

★ POSITIVE:

• Intelligent
  
• Ambitious
  
• Cautious
  
• Calm
  
• Perfectionist
  

★ NEGATIVE:

• Complex
  
• Arrogant
  
• Judgmental
  
• Sadistic
  
• Manipulative
  

★ HABITS, QUIRKS:

• Tendencies to Enjoy the pain of others
  
• Tends to stare at people while their sleeping( Lol)
  
• Speaking in riddles
  

★ OVERALL PERSONALITY:

Kaylen is a rather sadistic individual due to the diabolic DNA of the ghost pokemon Dusknoir.He is a rather poetic individual and often times speak in riddles, he gets a bit of enjoyment from toying with the minds of others and seeing them get all confuzzled about his speakings. He is somewhat big on appearance those his idea's of beauty have less to deal with the mainstream pretty lights and blush make up and more so to deal with the deformity of nature. He is very intelligent and very devious though can be a very loyal individual if the person is right for him.

He though carries a bit of hatred for the bu man race, seeing as how they now shun his kind when it was they who first cast this plague upon him. He has other reasons to hate human along with Episect which will be mentioned in his History. He though is a rather flirtatious being and enjoys toying with member sf the same sex, which are normally the targets of his dream consumptions >:3

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H I S T O R Y

• Kaylen life was once filled with the joys that every Child should and could enjoy. He grew up in a happy home, a Mother a father and a darling Older Sister. All his life he was spoiled by his father who gave him pretty much the world, as a child could see it. Happiness aplenty, love unbound his life was the pinnacle of light...until the virus came and went and with it took away his sister without even a thought. Like a whisper in a storm she was killed by the virus. Seeing as how their lives were coming to an end he confessed to his family his desires to mate with members of the same sex, his father who had loved him since the dawn of time stuck by his child and remained close to kaylen, whilst his mother disgusted by this fled living them to die an incomplete family. Laying there hand in hand his father neared death sooner than Kayne, it was then that Kaylen heard of a company by the name of Episect who promised life beyond the virus for the right price. Desperate for the preservation of life within his withering family Kaylen's father and he pushed themselves beyond their breaking points to make it to the facility, fortunately that hadn't had to go far, and reached them in time.Episect taking them within their labs they promised the duo new life by means of merging their DNA with that of a capable Pokemon.
  
  Kaylen had no Pokemon, yet his father was a powerful trainer verse in the usage of ghost Pokemon. Episect told his father there was only enough funds in his account for one transfusion. By the love n his heart for Kaylen with his last bit of energy he begged episect to Embed his child with the DNA of his Strongest Pokemon which was his mighty Dusknoir. On this whim he told Kaylen he loved him as they last bit of life left his body. Kaylen witnessing his fathers death was traumatized. As the outbreak began to subside Kaylen's heart became darker and darker making way for the festering hatred for episect all the more potent. Yes they had granted him new life but...they neglected to save his father all because they didn't have enough money. . To this Kaylen promptly responded in a fit of blistering madness and with Awe inspiring dark might dealt a powerful Blow to the Episect Company by narrowly escaping the powerful foe's facility with quite a bit of damage done to him, it was then that he left, becoming a hired mercenary and taking on the alliance as "Reaper". He now lives his life in hatred of the humans of Episect and now is searching for something greater, something of more merit of his power.

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P L A Y E R I N F O

★ OOC NAME: Tony
★ AGE: 19
★ OTHER CHARACTERS: Not Yet >;-)
★ RP SAMPLE:

Twas the break of nightfall and the member of the fair city had cast themselves off into the esteemed land of dreams within their minds. and whilst the babes slept comfortably in their beds a creature of the might traveled amongst their resting carcasses. Eyes red as the vehement blood coursing through his veins he slipped through the walls of each and every home. No sound would alert the sleeping meals of his being there, only the silent rumbling of his abysmal stomach. He yearned for the juicy morsels they conjured up within their slumbers, yet...he came upon the face a a man, a man who greatly resembled his father. It was then he turned faced to this city, not wishing to draw a tear for ti would show his weak point.

"Rest easy, old flower...may you Wilt away in peace"

This lone thought trickled through the mans mind as he slumbered and as The Reaper crept away silently in the pervasive concealment of the darkness under the moon.

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★ template was made for wretches and kings, do not steal ★

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CLEAR AND TRUE

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[Cori]

currently pending

Good evening - er, morning now, whoops - and welcome to WK. :3 It's always good to see a new, enthusiastic face around, but unfortunately I have to say that this profile...well, it needs quite a bit of work before I can accept it. That's just how it is, I'm afraid, and it's probably easier to tackle the biggest problems first before even worrying about the smaller ones. I'll do my best to walk you through it though, although I apologize in advance if I'm unclear or just a bit too picky.

First thing's first, I have to ask: is the random caps a stylistic choice, or did you write this on a phone/tablet/game system? For the latter, it would definitely explain a few things, but if it's just something you're doing for style...could you please keep capitals to proper nouns and the first word of each sentence? ^-^' I don't mean to be rude or crap anyone's creativity, but we do ask that you try to be as grammatically correct when filling out the bio format as possible. And while there are definitely additional blips in some of your sentences up there, I think just asking that (if they weren't errors based on any piece of technology) you please straighten out the random capitalization first and foremost is the best way to start. Again, I'm not trying to pick on you, it's just very distracting this way.

Second, there's the matter of the picture you're using. Now, you can use graphics of any sort in your posts/trackers/ect. as long as they aren't explicit or stretch the board, but we ask that you keep images in the profiles limited to four 100x100 icons in the spaces provided. If you don't want to make them yourself or don't have the time/programs for it, I can try to crop the image you provided into a suitable icon to place there for you, or you can leave them as they are (though please leave the claim name - and kindly add the series as well, there's probably one listed where you found the image) but in any case I really must ask that you remove the stray pic.

Going a bit further...I'm sorry, did you mistake the positive/negative points for likes and dislikes? Because what we're asking for here is traits - though you're welcome to include Kaylen's likes and dislikes in the paragraph summary! If you're having a difficult time with those, looking traits up on google is actually fairly easy; here's one site off the first page with some good examples, though some entries there like popular aren't what we're asking here - we want who your character is, not their status with their peers. Start with his sadism in the negative traits, perhaps? :3 Additionally, the "list" in both sections should be replaced with a trait for a minimum of five each, along with the blank bullet under the quirks and habits section.

Moving on...his history, I have some big issues with. For one thing - and I'm sorry if I'm missing something or not understanding a crucial point here because, frankly, although I said I'd leave any other questions concerning grammar for later I must confess that I find it extremely difficult to make sense of this section in particular - Epispect wouldn't just scoop up Kaylen and his father because they were dying. To be blunt, the company just doesn't care unless you have the money for the transfusion, though if they were higher class and could afford the procedure this would be no issue. Still, there's no way they would just happen across the two of them...did his father call for help as he grew weaker? I'm just trying to work out something plausible to the site's setting here. What's more...I can't understand what, exactly, happened between Kaylen and Epispect after his father died at all. I understand that they experimented on him after the transfusion, which certainly wouldn't be unheard of if he had no other family left, but what caused him to...uh, strike them down? Did they attempt to take his life? Or were they trying to control him? Forgive me if I'm just missing things or being otherwise dull, but I just don't understand. Furthermore...there's only one Epispect building to my knowledge, so there's no way he could have obliterated one of their top facilities. And even if there were more, Epispect is not so lightly armed that one gijinka - at least at this point in time - could take it down single-handed, no matter what pokemon they've inherited their DNA from. Hell, if it were that simple, Team Rocket's leader wouldn't need henchman. I'm not saying it would be impossible to escape, but that he'd managed to overpower them and nearly tear the whole place down without so much as a scratch? That's far too overpowered, even for a badass mercenary.

That's really all I can cover right now...it's early, and my brain isn't functioning quite as it should be. Again, I'm sorry if I was being too nitpicky with you, and if you have any questions in my absence feel free to PM me; even I have to sleep sometimes, unfortunately. With that, I think I'll finally put this to a close for now. Good luck, and I hope I won't have to be quite so mean the next time I check this.

[kaylen]

Sorry, I'm entirely new to this concept and was just playing everything by ear, also sorry for the caps I just have a habit of doing that sometimes. Edited it so far so looking forward to more input.

[Cori]

currently pending

Oh geeze, I had no idea that this was a new thing for you. My bad if I've been way too harsh in that case. I hope I can still work with you and, well, not be such a butt in the future. So far, I'm glad you've fixed a few things up, but I'm afraid there's still a bit to go before I can okay this guy. For one thing, while there are fewer than before, there are still quite a lot of words with random capitals floating about in there, though that's not the biggest issue here. More pressing is the fact that you still have list occupying a spot in each trait's section; if I wasn't clear before, my bad, but you have to change that to an actual trait. It's not a placeholder, and it does not tell you where to start under, we want five good and five bad traits each per profile. Additionally, "handsome" does not count as a personality trait here - it denotes physical attractiveness, rather than describing Kaylen's character. Instead, if you still want to convey something about his personality that makes him attractive, try...well, he's an unpleasant fellow so far, but perhaps charismatic considering that he is the manipulative sort? I'm just tossing out things, no need to actually listen to suggestions, as long as it fits what needs to change. '>w>

Additionally - and this may be my fault for being misleading in the first place (sorry, I wasn't thinking too well at that point) - when it comes to his history, well, as long as you pay for the transfusion, Epispect doesn't really give a shit afterward to be blunt. So I doubt they'd try to take it back or otherwise attempt to kill Kaylen unless there was some reason to. Because it's easier to get DNA if you have connections at Epispect, I doubt anyone there would be so desperate for it that they would attack someone they'd treated for their DNA. Or unless he attacked them first after he recovered for some reason...after all, they did fail to save his father, the only loving family he had left, so it would be understandable given the amount of emotional turmoil one would likely be in such a state. And again, I'm just making dumb suggestions here - it doesn't matter what direction you take, provided it makes sense in the end. Again, I'm sorry if I'm being harsh here, and I apologize as well for taking so long to reply. ^-^'

[kaylen]

No no I'm glad I got a harsh one, it grants me the chance to make sure I start off the right way, less confusion that way thank hun +W+

[Cori]

currently pending

Alright, now that we've sorted out most of the other errors in the profile (except the capitalization - really, if you're having a difficult time catching them all, I could always go through and fix it up if you want), on to grammar! I'm sorry if I'm nitpicking again, so I'll try to get only the things that are really noticeable. So I'll be doing a case-by-case breakdown of what I think's off. Of course, if one of the other staffers pops in and says I'm correcting it wrong of doing too much poking, I'll ease up. :'D

Appearance wise Kaylen is a rather "flashy" dresser but in the terms of his depressingly dark fashions. Here, the only real problem is that I think a comma between "dresser" and "but" would be helpful. As it is, it seems like an incomplete sentence. Of course, as with all of these, that's just to me.

He stands 6'1 tall and his body type is sleek yet slightly muscular which explain his nimble movements. In this line, the only thing that's actually off is "explain," which is missing a vital s on the end; "explains" works well here. Typos happen to everyone though, and I know I've made more than my fair share. '>w>

His hair is long roughly 20 inches and is of a grey depiction. Okay, here you could really benefit from commas between "long" and "roughly," as well as "inches" and "and." Or you could use hyphens, as I often do, but I'm not sure it's required. As for the wording...I don't think "depiction" is quite the right word here (at least when it comes to Cori checking the dictionary, but I'm not saying online dictionaries are perfect either, so maybe I'm still in the wrong).

His attire consist of a grey and black body suit with Gold and purple trimmings very reminiscent of the Dusknoir DNA flowing through him. Not much here, but rather than "consist" you should probably have "consists," and "trimming" instead of "trimmings" (though I might be wrong on that - again, if I'm off, I'm sorry). And gold should be written without caps, but that's beating a dead horse at this point. '>w>

His eyes are a piercing blood red and his skin a milky cream complexion. Technically, there's nothing actually wrong here, but it would sound better with "is a milky cream in complexion" or something along those lines, at least to me. Er, you don't have to change it though. I'm just being overly naggy.

Tendencies to Enjoy the pain of others - because this is a bullet point, you don't actually need complete sentences, but grammar's still pretty important. :'D So "Enjoys the pain of others" or "Tends to enjoy the pain of others" would work here...even "Has a tendency to enjoy the pain of others" could fit. Just throwing things out again.

Tends to stare at people while their sleeping (Lol) - I tried to ignore it, I really tried, but it should be "while they're sleeping" not "while their sleeping." :'D The "they're" I used is the one that means "they are;" the one you used is the possessive version (their Pokémon, their house, ect.).

He is a rather poetic individual and often times speak in riddles, he gets a bit of enjoyment from toying with the minds of others and seeing them get all confuzzled about his speakings. Trying to decide what to correct here was rather difficult...but I think "He is a rather poetic who often times speaks in riddles and enjoys toying with the minds of others, taking pleasure in seeing their confusion over his speech." Maybe it's a bit off from what you originally had, and you're welcome to rework it any way you wish, but the main point is that "confuzzled" is cute in the cbox or just chatting with someone, but it's not something you should put in a profile. Same goes for speakings..."words" or "speech" are good for profile use, however.

He is somewhat big on appearance those his idea's of beauty have less to deal with the mainstream pretty lights and blush make up and more so to deal with the deformity of nature. I'm pretty sure you meant to use "though" instead of "those" here, and ideas doesn't need an apostrophe. Also, "makeup" is one word - using two here makes me derp and think that the blush is part of something...additionally, "deal" should probably be "do," at least in the first instance, while changing it to something along the lines of "deal more with the deformity of nature." would work.

He is very intelligent and very devious though can be a very loyal individual if the person is right for him. There's nothing wrong with this sentence, actually, but it would sound better with a comma after "devious" as it sets one idea apart from another - here, the contrast between an intelligently devious individual no doubt prone to using others for his own sake and someone who can give his loyalty to a chosen few.

He though carries a bit of hatred for the bu man race, seeing as how they now shun his kind when it was they who first cast this plague upon him. Bu...man? :'D I know it's just a typo for human, but I think of a group of Boos straight out of Mario hovering around...kind of funny, since he's a ghost himself. Eh-hem, anyway. My random observations aside, other than that typo, the only thing I'd fix here would be eliminating the "though." Since it's a new paragraph, I don't think you need it, or if you want it to contrast with the previous idea put a "Despite this," or "Even so," in front of "he" and eliminate the "though." There are others you could use as well, I'm just suggesting again. :3

He has other reasons to hate human along with Episect which will be mentioned in his History. This is really kind of...wonky. At least to me. :'D I don't even think it's really necessary, since I'm going to read your history anyway, but making it sound better..."On top of this, he has other reasons to hate both humans and Epispect as a whole, thanks to his history." fits a bit better, but I'm just saying how I would write it, not forcing you to go with it. Feel free to contradict me.

He though is a rather flirtatious being and enjoys toying with member sf the same sex, which are normally the targets of his dream consumptions >:3 The main concerns here are your typo of "sf" instead of "of," "which" should be "who," and "consumption" rather than the plural. Though...if you could put a period at the end of the sentence, rather than using just an emote as punctuation, that would be great. I couldn't find anything that says you can't have them in a profile, so you don't have to remove it, just remember to use correct punctuation.

Kaylen life was once filled with the joys that every Child should and could enjoy. The only thing you need to change here are "Kaylen" to "Kaylen's." That, and fixing the capital c on child.

He grew up in a happy home, a Mother a father and a darling Older Sister. You should change this to "He grew up in a happy home with a mother, a father, and a darling older sister." It looks really odd without the "with" there. '>w>

Happiness aplenty, love unbound his life was the pinnacle of light...until the virus came and went and with it took away his sister without even a thought. I think this would look best as "With happiness aplenty and love unbound, his life was the pinnacle of light...until the virus came and went, taking away his sister without even a thought." Again, just making suggestions here; any edits are fine, so long as it makes the sentence run a little smoother.

Like a whisper in a storm she was killed by the virus. I'm not sure there's anything here that needs my attention, but being a comma fiend I would like to suggest adding one after "storm."

Seeing as how their lives were coming to an end he confessed to his family his desires to mate with members of the same sex, his father who had loved him since the dawn of time stuck by his child and remained close to kaylen, whilst his mother disgusted by this fled living them to die an incomplete family. Okay, with how you have this sentence is constructed, I think it would it would benefit with the addition of a comma after "end" and a semicolon after "sex." Additionally, "Kaylen" needs capitalized, and a comma or hyphen to set off the "disgusted by this" portion would be an improvement...and another comma after "fled" may seem a bit much, but I think it would sound better. Finally, it should be "leaving" instead of "living."

Laying there hand in hand his father neared death sooner than Kayne, it was then that Kaylen heard of a company by the name of Episect who promised life beyond the virus for the right price. I'm really struggling with what to suggest with this that isn't just "rework it completely." But I think "Laying there hand in hand, his father neared death sooner than Kaylen. It was then that Kaylen heard of a company by the name of Epispect who promised life beyond the virus...for the right price." might be along the right lines? I'm sorry. I'm falling apart with these a little....

Desperate for the preservation of life within his withering family Kaylen's father and he pushed themselves beyond their breaking points to make it to the facility, fortunately that hadn't had to go far, and reached them in time. I personally think "Desperate to preserve the life of their withering family, Kaylen and his father pushed themselves beyond their breaking points to make it to the facility; fortunately, they didn't have to go far and reached the company in time." would fit...however, it's pretty heavy on the edits, so again, try whatever you want as long as it flows better.

Episect taking them within their labs they promised the duo new life by means of merging their DNA with that of a capable Pokemon. I should have pointed this out earlier, but since it's a recurring thing, allow me to point out that it's spelled Epispect for future reference. ^-^' Took me a while to get the spelling right too, though, so don't worry about it. That said, I think "Epispect took the duo into their labs an promised them a new life by means of merging their DNA with that of a capable Pokémon." goes a little better. As always, I'm merely offering suggestions here, so don't take me too seriously if you think I'm being pushy. (Also, add a space between the end of the previous sentence and this one?)

Kaylen had no Pokemon, yet his father was a powerful trainer verse in the usage of ghost Pokemon. "Versed" should be used here, not verse. Just a small thing.

Episect told his father there was only enough funds in his account for one transfusion. Not much here, just remember to correct "Episect" to "Epispect" and change "was" to "were." Funds is plural after all - you wouldn't say "there was dogs in the yard" or "there was birds on the roof" ...at least, I hope not. Maybe I'm the weird one, but "were" sounds better.

By the love n his heart for Kaylen with his last bit of energy he begged episect to Embed his child with the DNA of his Strongest Pokemon which was his mighty Dusknoir. "By the love?" It seems a little...off somehow in the sentence here, so might I suggest changing it to something similar to "Because of his love for Kaylen, he used his last bit of energy to beg Epispect to embed his child with the DNA of his strongest Pokémon: his mighty Dusknoir." I would also caution you that I have to ask Ryuu at some point whether this is even possible...with most of the characters, the DNA they get has been random, though there have been a few with deliberate choices...I really should've asked about it before, and I will as soon as it's okay to ask our lovely admin. Just be patient...it's not always a good time to bring it up, so I might not be able to get an answer right away.

On this whim he told Kaylen he loved him as they last bit of life left his body. Small thing here..."they" should be "the."
Kaylen witnessing his fathers death was traumatized. Try "Witnessing his father's death traumatized Kaylen." or, to keep the current wording, go with "Kaylen, witnessing his father's death, was traumatized." Just remember that "father's" needs that apostrophe.

As the outbreak began to subside Kaylen's heart became darker and darker making way for the festering hatred for episect all the more potent. Here, a comma would fit well after the second "darker." Again, Epispect is spelled with an additional "p," and the "all the more potent" at the end? I'm not sure how to mesh that with what you have so far and make it read easily...maybe try "As the outbreak began to subside Kaylen's heart became darker and darker, making way for a potent, festering hatred for Epispect." Not quite the same, but the main ideas are there.

Yes they had granted him new life but...they neglected to save his father all because they didn't have enough money. You should probably include a comma after "yes", and possibly before "but" as well, though I'm not sure that's absolutely necessary (and I have a comma addiction anyway, so I use them too much as it is).

To this Kaylen promptly responded in a fit of blistering madness and with Awe inspiring dark might dealt a powerful Blow to the Episect Company by narrowly escaping the powerful foe's facility with quite a bit of damage done to him, it was then that he left, becoming a hired mercenary and taking on the alliance as "Reaper". Whew. I'd say remind me not to get on his bad side, but I get the feeling that pretty much everyone is already. A-anyway, "awe-inspiring" is usually written that way, at least as how I've seen it. There's also something that doesn't quite read well about "with quite a bit of damage done to him," so maybe try "after suffering quite a bit of damage." After that you could either start a new sentence, separate the sections with a semicolon, or change the wording around. For example, you could write it as "after which he became a hired mercenary, taking on the alias of 'Reaper.'" (Alias refers to a false name, alliance refers to someone you've teamed up with - for example, you said you intend for him to ally himself with Team Rocket later) Again, I'm mostly babbling, but so long as you fix the alliance/alias mixup and iron out the messy wording a bit, I'll be good. :3

He now lives his life in hatred of the humans of Episect and now is searching for something greater, something of more merit of his power. Perhaps you could change it to something near "He now lives his life with a deep hatred toward the humans of Epispect while searching for something greater, something more worthy of his power." Admittedly, merit is a good word, but it seems kind of awkward there.

Oh wow. I really didn't mean for this to come out so long, but I wanted to be really thorough...I apologize for making you read all this, and for throwing so many corrections at you. B-but I thought that if you liked the harsh, I might as well go all out. :'D So sorry that it took so long...