Is that you I see? [magnus]

[ress3]

This is the birth of all hope

Johan had spent a long time waiting. He'd waited long years, and even so, his waiting hadn't stopped. He still looked, still searched the crowds for a familiar face. In the market, he spent every moment glancing around, hoping.

He never found anything. Sometimes there were moments, moments of desperate hope, where he thought he saw him, but it never was him. It was always someone else, and then he'd run to them, they'd turn, and he'd realize his mistake. It was never the right person, and after years, Anya had flat out told him that Maguns was gone - moved off somewhere else. A different country, some place far away, where he wouldn't be found. That, or he was dead, and she'd always been blunt with the possibility. Only Johan knew why he'd left, and only he was burdened with that knowledge. He lingered, now, in a little bakery, picking up a fresh loaf of bread when he saw him.

Even though he knew it wasn't him, even though he knew Magnus was far away, he still dropped the loaf and bolted into the street, running after what he knew was going to be another false sighting.

To have what I once had

[magnus]

So tonight I’m calling all astronauts
All the lonely people that the world forgot

It was never lonely out in the markets, Magnus knew that for sure. The place was familiar, having seen it so many times when he actually lived here years ago. There were some of the same merchants selling the same wares, but he tried to avoid those familiar stalls. He didn’t need anybody knowing he was back, and instead opted to go find that food that Ludwig had sent him after. Normally, he would’ve smacked his partner upside the head and told him to get his own, but he needed some fresh air… and some separation. Lots of time in close quarters was bound to get the blood boiling, and after their previous bout and complaints from the motel maid, he wasn’t eager to repeat it again soon.

He had settled on a small stall that sold various pastries; not something Ludwig would particularly like, but Magnus would’ve enjoyed perhaps a tart with his morning coffee. It was early, and he wasn’t expected back until maybe noon. He wasn’t quite planning on snooping around either, so today was his own. The blond found a nearby bench off to the side so he could view the street and all those that walked past, contently sipping away at a hot coffee with a book in his pocket.

But peace never lasted long, as far as he was concerned. There was a commotion somewhere to his right, and he looked up to see a young man come running out of a bakery as if something was on fire. Oh, how strange… Magnus frowned vaguely, turning his head towards the stranger as he can running in his general direction, though it looked an awful lot like he was running towards him. And said stranger looked so familiar, and then it clicked in his mind. It clicked and it clicked loudly enough for possibly anybody in the market to hear.

”…motherfucker.” And he didn’t even know his mother. Magnus abandoned his morning meal and practically bolted in the opposite direction because oh shit, Johan might’ve spotted him. Johan wasn’t even supposed to know he was there!

If you hear my voice come pick me up, are you out there?
Cos you’re all I’ve got

[ress3]

This is the birth of all hope

Magnus was entirely right when he thought Johan might have spotted him. He had - he had seen him, and even if there were a few differences, even if Magnus had put on a few more years, it was still Magnus. Johan couldn't mistake him for someone else, had completely missed that terrible moment of 'no, that's not Magnus'.

It was him - but he was running away. There was a horrible jolt as he realized that Magnus wasn't happy to see him, that Magnus was not actively fleeing from him. That was all wrong. When he saw Magnus, Magnus was supposed to have come back - but he hadn't. He was running.

That didn't stop Johan from running after him, completely oblivious to anything around him. He weaved through the crowd, going after him, and for all his logic, he ended up yelling anyway. "Magnus! Stop!"

To have what I once had

[magnus]

So tonight I’m calling all astronauts
All the lonely people that the world forgot

He knew it. He had absolutely known it; Magnus had returned way too soon. He wasn’t ready to face Johan again, and unlike his usual self that fought back when something felt threatening, under this sort of pressure, he turned tails and bolted. It wasn’t like he was outwardly scared of his little cousin either; he was half his size and had never spoken unkindly to him before. Then why did his mind react like he was terrified of him? Like he was running from some impossibly cruel demon?

Hearing the shouts of protest coming from behind him, he knew that Johan didn’t just give up the chase. He was following, and that was definitely not good. Magnus was weaving in and out of the crowd, practically shoving people aside in a bid to get away. His voice reached his ears before much else did and he nearly stopped dead, slowing his pace for just a few seconds. There was his voice again; so familiar, and everything he knew told him that he was supposed to want to be close to it again.

But he didn’t stop and he certainly didn’t answer, turning a sharp left into some little used alleyways between a couple of the more run-down buildings and hoping Johan didn’t follow.

If you hear my voice come pick me up, are you out there?
Cos you’re all I’ve got

[ress3]

This is the birth of all hope

Johan could feel his heart pounding, could feel his brain starting to freak out. Why was he running? He couldn't understand it. Of all the places Magnus could be, of all the places he could go, he had come here. He had to have known Johan would still be here, would still be waiting. Why could back, only to run? Magnus was pulling ahead, a product of sheer size more then fitness, and it was only his cousins abrupt slowdown that allowed him to not lose him in the crowd.

He had thought Magnus might stop, but he didn't. He kept on going, picking up speed once more. He wasn't saying anything, only running, and it was only years of workouts that kept Johan moving. "Magnus! Please!" His voice was almost begging, and he knew people were looking - but didn't care, anyway. Let them look - he was too focused to stop, too focused to pause. "Magnus!"

He swung down the alley, pushing himself for speed and frantically hoping he would stop, even if he knew he wouldn't.

To have what I once had

[magnus]

So tonight I’m calling all astronauts
All the lonely people that the world forgot

Magnus wanted to cover his ears and simply not hear it. He couldn’t do that while running though; he needed as much leverage as possible. Johan was calling out to him, asking him to come back, and for once he simply couldn’t oblige his request. Not now, at least. Perhaps not ever? Only he hoped it wasn’t the case, because he did want to come back one day. Only that couldn’t be now, when everything was so much of a wreck. He couldn’t deal with that. Not today.

Turning another sharp corner into an even more decrepit alley, he found himself face to face with a fence. A tall, chain link fence that had no right to be in a damned alley while he was trying to get away from someone in pursuit. Climbing it was difficult, but if he could manage it, he’d definitely get away from Johan. But… did he actually want to do that? To run and hide and be unable to show his face again for at least another couple of weeks?

He was like a deer in headlights, stuck between a rock and a hard place. Why was he running? Wasn’t the point of transferring to this shithole of a town was to be near home again? To finally get that chance to come back? This was his chance and he was turning tails and running from it. With a heavy heart that slowed him, he jumped and caught the top couple of loops, climbing the shaky fence before straddling the top and glancing back down the narrow space. Johan was coming, and he needed to be gone.

Magnus tipped himself over to the other side, but he found himself unable to run. He was tired, and the feeling in his chest prevented him from moving. It stunned him, rooting him to the spot, watching the mouth of the alley as the footsteps came closer.

If you hear my voice come pick me up, are you out there?
Cos you’re all I’ve got

[ress3]

This is the birth of all hope

Johan had never liked fences. They were always in the way, always stopping things that shouldn't be stopped. In this case, it was stopping him - but apparently not stopping Magnus. He saw Magnus pause, then drop over, and he was sure, for a long moment, Magnus was going to bolt.

He didn't, and that was somehow worse. His first instinct was to jump, to try and catch the fence, but he already knew he wouldn't make it. If Magnus wanted to run, the fence would give him too much of a head start for Johan to catch. Johan was smaller, didn't jump as high, and wasn't as fast - his advantages had run out.

Magnus had stopped, though. He'd stopped running, glancing over his shoulder, and all that was between them was a thin fence. Johan slowed as he reached it, trying to make it obvious he wasn't going to jump it, but it would be obvious enough. His eyes were watering and his vision had gone to shit, and he wasn't going to be catching anyone. "Please Magnus, stop running. Please!"

To have what I once had

[magnus]

So tonight I’m calling all astronauts
All the lonely people that the world forgot

He couldn’t stand to watch Johan cry, but he was stuck to the ground and unable to move as he watched his cousin round the corner. He slowed down as he neared, and there was a split-second panic where Magnus thought that he was going to try and climb it after all. He would surely be gone by then, but it was the same anyway. Magnus found what little willpower he had left and turned a bit so he could actually see him. After eight long years, he was actually going to see him up close.

Johan had grown, that was for sure. He had gotten a little taller and looked a little stronger… though he was skinny, and he looked like he wasn’t sleeping well. But aside from that, he was entirely recognizable, almost identical to what he had been before he left. The familiar sight wanted to draw him in, but at the same time, his more logical mind told him not to get any closer. If he did, he wouldn’t be able to run again.

”…I’m sorry, Johan.” His words were barely a whisper. Everything suddenly felt awfully cold, even if the sun was supposed to warm everything by now. He wanted to sit down and have a full conversation, ask how he’d been, where he’d been, if he was okay… But he wouldn’t be able to stand that now. He wasn’t ready.

If you hear my voice come pick me up, are you out there?
Cos you’re all I’ve got

[ress3]

This is the birth of all hope

He was trying so hard not to cry, not to break down right there, but there was eight years of pressure bearing down, eight years of wanting to see Magnus, and now he was there, only he wasn't going to be for much longer. Johan wound his fingers into the links of the fence, staring through as if that would matter, as if tht would somehow stop Magnus from running.

His voice was soft when he spoke again, no longer loud. It was almost hoarse, and his eyes were trying to drink in every detail of difference, to burn it into his memory - just in case this was the last time he saw him. He hadn't had that chance before, had just woken up and found him gone.

"Please don't go. I'll take it back, okay? I'll take it all back, and you can come home, and your room is still there, and Conrad would be so happy to see you..." His voice cracked, head slumping against the fence. "Please don't leave again."

To have what I once had

[magnus]

So tonight I’m calling all astronauts
All the lonely people that the world forgot

Magnus could’ve sworn his hands were shaking, and he shoved them into his pockets. No, they couldn’t be. His hands never shook for anything, but they felt funny, and his breathing was quick, and his heart was beating fast and being a little bitch again. And he didn’t want to see Johan sad; he didn’t want to be the cause of his sorrow either. Magnus knew, with a heavy heart, that for a little while longer he had no choice. He had to be the cause of all his misery for just a few months more, at most. He needed more time.

And as if his body had a mind of his own, he took a careful step closer. He reached his hands out, clad in leather like they always were, and touched his fingertips to Johan’s hands that poked through the fence. He was actually touching him, sharing a little warmth after eight years of being apart. He wanted to hold him a little closer, but doing that would further drag him back. He needed to be apart right now. He needed to be damned alone, but if this was the case, then why did every part of him protest?

He was ready to flinch away the second Johan would try and make a grab for him, but at the same time, he just wanted to hold him. It was a very strange feeling and it confused him. It wasn’t logical, and if there was one thing he was, it was based on cold, hard logic.

”Johan… I’ll be home soon, okay?” His throat felt tight and he swallowed, only the feeling didn’t go away. ”But… I gotta go for a little bit. I’ll come home soon. I promise, but I have to go.”

If you hear my voice come pick me up, are you out there?
Cos you’re all I’ve got

[ress3]

This is the birth of all hope

He was there, so close Johan could almost smell him, and that tiny touch of fingers on his hands was enough to make him feel cold. He should have been happy, should have been glad that he was even getting to see him again. He couldn't be, though, because before there had been the chance that he would be back any moment, as quickly as he'd gone, and that it would be like he'd never left.

He had, though. He'd left, and been gone so long Johan wasn't sure if he was the same person. He still wanted him back, still wanted him to come home, but he wasn't sure if it would all work out when he would. He sagged against the fence, squeezing his eyes shut, afraid to make eye contact in case that was the thing that made Magnus bolt.

"Please don't go. You can come home. You don't have to go, and I won't talk about it or bother you or anything. Conrad misses you, and everyone misses you. Please..." He was begging now, outright pleading, and a tiny part of him hated himself for it. "You don't have to go anywhere."

To have what I once had

[magnus]

So tonight I’m calling all astronauts
All the lonely people that the world forgot

Johan looked so purely desperate and it hurt his heart to bear. He felt the pain in his chest, weighing him down, and he wasn’t able to move anymore. He could barely breathe because of how tight his chest felt, like something was pressing down on his ribs, and it definitely wasn’t the same shortness of breath he got from running.

But… he could go home? And then another thought came up that terrified him; he had a home? He had been gone so long, and during those eight years, he never had a place he could call home. He moved from dumpy motel to high class resorts, but he never stayed for long. He didn’t have a permanent address at all anymore, and he was so used to going from place to place that it was all he knew. But this was supposed to be his home, right? Was it?

Magnus curled his fingers, drawing back once again and letting his hands fall to his sides. ”Go home. Get some sleep.” Johan looked exhausted, and he didn’t want to look anymore. He wanted to go back to the motel and hide; this was not how his morning was supposed to turn out. ”I’ll be there when you wake up. I’m not sure when, but soon, okay?”

If you hear my voice come pick me up, are you out there?
Cos you’re all I’ve got

[ress3]

This is the birth of all hope

Magnus was going to leave again. He was going to leave, and Johan knew it the moment he'd pulled away, the moment the connection was broken. He stayed where he was, fingers squeezing into the links of the fence. "No." He protested, frantically hoping it would change things. "I don't want to go. What if you don't come back?"

That was a real possibility, the chance that he might just leave, might never come back. Maybe Johan had scared him off by chasing him, maybe if he'd left it, things would be better. "I don't need sleep. I just want you to come home. You don't have to go, you can just come home with me, alright? We're still in the same place, and everything is still like you left it..." Exactly as he'd left it, years later. Johan stepped in, dusted a bit, and otherwise, it was untouched. He hadn't peeked, hadn't searched around - just left it, perfectly as it was.

"Please..."

To have what I once had

[magnus]

So tonight I’m calling all astronauts
All the lonely people that the world forgot

It hurt, perhaps more than it should’ve, when Johan didn’t seem to believe him when he said he’d come back. But he had every right to not believe him; he’d already broken the promise of protecting him when he left that night a long time ago. Eight years. Had it really been so long? Sometimes it felt like his whole life, but other times it felt like not long enough. He was torn between the two; Johan’s begging and his logic, and the side of him that told him it was better just to leave now. Right now, before he was pulled in any more.

”…no. I can’t.” He shrank back a step, his feet heavy in his boots, his heart weighing in his chest. It was hurting, and he didn’t know why. ”Not today. I’m so sorry.” But then a thought struck him. At least he could begin giving himself back, if only just a little. Something to last him through the last stretch before he came home. Magnus peeled off his right glove, gently slotting it through one of the holes in the fence. ”Keep this for me.” He would find him again, sometime soon.

Another step backwards, than another, then he turned until he couldn’t see Johan anymore. No, he couldn’t look back. He couldn’t look back or else things would just fall. It would be better, he told himself. Things would get better, and he could go home in a few months, and Johan wouldn’t need to be hurt anymore. ”Goodbye.”

And he ran. Things always got worse before they got better; he was holding out for the better.

If you hear my voice come pick me up, are you out there?
Cos you’re all I’ve got

[ress3]

This is the birth of all hope

The glove was a tiny, wonderful moment. It was a moment that meant that maybe, just maybe, Magnus wasn't lying when he said he'd come back. Johan wanted that so badly, wanted to see him again, to have him there. Even so, even with the glove, clutched so tightly in one hand he was afraid he'd break it, that somehow he'd ruin a glove that had been through so much, he was still afraid to watch. He glanced up only briefly as Magnus retreated, watching his back fall away.

In a few moments, Magnus was gone, turned down a corner and out of sight, and it was then that Johan broke down, sagging to his knees. One hand still clutching the fence, the other pulled the glove against him, afraid to let it go as he started to sob.

He wasn't sure Magnus was ever going to come back.

[Topic End]

To have what I once had