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Post by ress3 on Feb 1, 2012 14:38:09 GMT -5
[atrb=width,282px][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellpadding,0px,true][atrb=cellspacing,0px,true][atrb=background,http://i.imgur.com/1TdVf.jpg,true] | He was happy that Magnus didn't pull away. He seemed to settle back in, and Johan let himself calm down slightly. The fact that Magnus still cared, was still worrying about the Onrads - that mattered. That was nice. "No. I haven't wanted to ask him. Anya brought it up once, but he just... no, he would't go." He'd have to be dragged, if Magnus was going to try and force him.
He nodded carefully. "Even when there's something wrong, he still doesn't talk much. It's all non-verbal. Looks and handsignals and writing. He's gone quiet. He talks sometimes, just... prefers not too." Now that was one hell of an understatement.
Leave it to Magnus to notice he hadn't been sleeping right, and he nuzzled into Magnus's chest as he thought it out. "No... not well, really. I have... dreams." Sometimes. Dreams that were nightmares, more often then not, where he went through his life always knowing there was something wrong, someone missing. Sometimes he got confused, and thought that his life was a dream.
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Post by magnus on Feb 1, 2012 15:15:04 GMT -5
Don’t say goodbye; I don’t wanna hear those words tonight Cause maybe it’s not the end for you and I Magnus didn’t doubt Johan when he said Conrad refused to go see a professional. He was stubborn as a mule if he wanted to be, and he had some of the Mikhaylichenko-Molotov trademark pride that didn’t allow him to accept help even if it was shoved under his nose. It wasn’t as strong as Pasha’s or Magnus’, but it was still there. Normally, it would’ve been alright... but for someone with so many problems, it definitely was not. ”I’ll... try to get him to go, when everything’s settled again.” Which would be a couple of weeks to a couple of months, and he just hoped that Conrad wouldn’t be getting worse in that time. Putting him under excessive stress wasn’t good for how his mind worked, and he might start attacking himself again. ”Has he been... um... injuring himself, lately?””...Dreams?” Magnus gently ran his thumbs along the the curve of Johan’s eyes, seeing how dark the skin around them had become. Yep, definitely hadn’t been sleeping. Almost looked like him after longer periods of active hunting. Ever since the blond left, he’d been dreamless, strangely enough. Virtually every night was filled with a deep dark, and then it was morning, nothing more to it than that. ”Has your health been okay?”And although we knew, this time would come for me and you Don’t say anything tonight, if you’re gonna say goodbye
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Post by ress3 on Feb 2, 2012 11:48:14 GMT -5
[atrb=width,282px][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellpadding,0px,true][atrb=cellspacing,0px,true][atrb=background,http://i.imgur.com/1TdVf.jpg,true] | No matter how much Johan thought Magnus could do anything, he was still willing to accept that, no, somethings were even beyond Magnus, and this was probably one of them. Conrad was, in so many ways, beyond help. "You can try..." He commented slightly, doubtful both that Magnus could get him to go, and that it would help.
The second question, at least, was perhaps a bit easier to answer. "He was really bad after you first left. Really bad. Completely... just... bad. Lately, though, he's been better. Now that he's settled in, Conrad is far more stable then Konrad was. Even though he doesn't really talk, he still seems more normal." He did. Conrad seemed like a person with issues, and, looking back, Konrad was issues with a personality.
"Dreams." He repeated softly. He didn't want to tell Magnus about them, didn't want to worry him. They seemed so small and petty, now. Of course he would come back. Of course he wouldn't abandon them. "Fine." He answered, because yes, beyond the fact that he didn't eat as much as he should, and didn't sleep as much, he'd been fine. "How were you? Where did you go?" He wanted to know where those lost years had been spent.
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Post by magnus on Feb 2, 2012 17:29:20 GMT -5
Don’t say goodbye; I don’t wanna hear those words tonight Cause maybe it’s not the end for you and I Magnus had to wonder how many times Konrad had nearly mauled himself to death in his absence; how many times he went running from Conrad and his ‘dogs’. Everybody knew they weren’t really there, and if he’d ignore them, then they’d likely go away... only he didn’t know that, and ignoring it wasn’t an option when it seemed so real. He made a mental note to try and convince Conrad to see somebody as soon as he was able, though he already knew that would likely be a failure. He didn’t like how Johan was answering his questions with so little detail. He wanted to know what he was dreaming about, what he was worried about, and just about everything. He’d been gone eight years, and all he was getting was that Conrad wasn’t alright, Johan had been having ‘dreams’ and that he was ‘fine’. It was more than a little frustrating. ”Johan...” But it seemed that he had already moved on, asking Magnus about where he’d been and what he’d been doing. For a second there, his brain stalled. What was he supposed to tell him? That he’d spent the last eight years shooting holes in people? That he had gone far and wide, and whatever he was looking for simply wasn’t there? He’d never been able to calm himself down, so he’d taken up a job with Epispect and had been handed a partner he spent half his time sleeping with, and half the time fighting like... well... Zangoose and Seviper with. ”I’m alright, I suppose. And I’ve been... everywhere.” Which was mostly true, he figured. ”There are some interesting places out there... and people, too.”And although we knew, this time would come for me and you Don’t say anything tonight, if you’re gonna say goodbye
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Post by ress3 on Feb 3, 2012 12:50:07 GMT -5
[atrb=width,282px][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellpadding,0px,true][atrb=cellspacing,0px,true][atrb=background,http://i.imgur.com/1TdVf.jpg,true] | As much as Magnus was bothered by Johan's lack of detail, Johan was bothered by Magnus's. Eight years, and he'd summarized it with 'been everywhere, done some things, met some people'. It was so vague and unhelpful, and for Johan, it was just another sign that the gap between them was wide. It was like a chasm, rather then the crack he hoped, and he was already beginning to fear he wasn't going to be able to bridge it.
Magnus had changed, after all. He was no longer the same person he had been when he left. Johan hadn't, though. He had barely changed at all. Yes, he was a few inches taller, and yes, he'd lost some weight, but otherwise he was the same person that Magnus had abandoned years ago. If Magnus had left him then, why would he stay around now? It wasn't as if Johan was a better person, was somehow worthy of any new affection.
"Did you meet anyone special...?" It was a stupid question, and he regretted it right away, but he wanted to know anyway. Had Magnus found someone? Did he care about that person? Somehow, that would be so much easier if he had. If he knew that Magnus was just off limits.
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Post by magnus on Feb 3, 2012 16:57:17 GMT -5
Don’t say goodbye; I don’t wanna hear those words tonight Cause maybe it’s not the end for you and I Johan felt awfully small in his arms, and he wondered briefly if his health was going to get better now that he was back. He sure hoped so, and his sleep would get better and he would just go back to normal, in every sense of the word. The last eight years had been anything but normal, and Magnus wanted that sense back. He wanted to be stable again, even if it would be tricky at first. Ludwig would definitely need to be somehow consulted on the matter, and it wasn’t like Magnus could just up and quit Epispect. Well, technically he could, but for his sanity’s sake, he couldn’t. But Johan’s question startled him. ”Had I...” And for a couple of seconds there, he thought Johan meant something along the lines of close friends or travelling companions, but of course it wasn’t that. Magnus sighed, burying his nose into the mass of brown curls once again. Was that what Johan was worried about? Here it was; that single incident that he’d hoped to avoid for the rest of his life. Only he couldn’t, because it was no longer an option as soon as he decided he’d go home. The truth was, he had no idea what the answer was, still. It had taken longer to figure out than he thought, or perhaps he stalled too much. Several years staring at empty walls with plenty of time to think, yet whenever the topic emerged, he tried to dodge it. Magnus almost didn’t want to know, because then it would mean something was going to give. He closed his eyes, sighing once again. ”I have a question... It’ll answer yours too, I hope...” Running his fingers through his little cousin’s hair, trying to brace himself for whatever revelation it may have caused. ”How... does your chest feel, when you see me?” And although we knew, this time would come for me and you Don’t say anything tonight, if you’re gonna say goodbye
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Post by ress3 on Feb 5, 2012 10:29:21 GMT -5
[atrb=width,282px][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellpadding,0px,true][atrb=cellspacing,0px,true][atrb=background,http://i.imgur.com/1TdVf.jpg,true] | Johan was certainly going to end up eating better, simply because he would want meals. Proper meals, where they all sat down together, eating and talking, as they had years ago. Lately it had all been rushed things, and sometimes he forgot he was supposed to be eating entirely. Sometime, it simply slipped his mind, and he was left only with the vague sense he had something he was supposed to be doing. Sleeping, on the other hand, would be a mixed bag. Magnus hadn't even been there a full hour and he was already starting to feel the paranoia creep in. Was Magnus going to vanish when he slept? Perhaps. Perhaps not. He had no way of knowing beyond a rough guess.
Johan knew he shouldn't have asked. It was a stupid, private question, the sort he should have let lie, rather then asking. All it did was drag up all those things he'd said, dragged up the things that had he should have left buried. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked." He mumbled, mostly to himself as Magnus nuzzled into his hair.
Magnus's question was a painful one. His first thought was to lie, to say that he didn't feel anything other then happiness that Magnus was home. Magnus would see through the lie. He always did, always knew what Johan was thinking, what he really meant. "It hurts. It hurts because... I don't know what'll happen. I don't know if you'll stay, or if you'll run away again. I feel like I messed everything up." His voice was small, tiny and soft and afraid.
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Post by magnus on Feb 5, 2012 20:16:02 GMT -5
Don’t say goodbye; I don’t wanna hear those words tonight Cause maybe it’s not the end for you and I Magnus had a vague idea on how Johan felt about the whole thing. Betrayed was probably the big one; upset, maybe a bit self hating, and some hatred towards Magnus as well. He wouldn’t admit it, but the blond just somehow felt it was like that. Pasha’d hate him too, and Anya would be rather upset that he’s back now, out of all those eight years. Konrad would’ve squealed for joy and tackled him, but Konrad wasn’t around anymore… There was only Conrad now, cold and bitter and probably glaring at him from across the room once he did show. ”Johan, don’t say that…” As gently as he could, Magnus took one of his little cousin’s wrists in one hand, pulling it up towards his chest. ”You didn’t do anything, and I’m not running away again.” That phase was, hopefully, over and behind him. As of the moment, he no longer felt that urge to wander. He didn’t feel those wild urges to just rip things apart either; he was getting plenty of that now that he was working for Epispect. In every sense, he was settling. Slowly, but surely. He brought Johan’s hand up to his chest, pressing the open palm right over his heart. ”Is it supposed to do that?” Magnus’ heart was beating rapidly, as if there was nothing to regulate it. It was so foreign and strange, and it was uncomfortable, but at the same time, it only happened when he happened to see Johan. He didn’t know why, and he wanted to. And although we knew, this time would come for me and you Don’t say anything tonight, if you’re gonna say goodbye
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Post by ress3 on Feb 8, 2012 20:47:13 GMT -5
[atrb=width,282px][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellpadding,0px,true][atrb=cellspacing,0px,true][atrb=background,http://i.imgur.com/1TdVf.jpg,true] | For all of Magnus's thoughts, Johan didn't feel any of that. There was no betrayal. Betrayal would have required it to have been, at least partially, Magnus's fault. It wasn't. It was all his fault, every single bit of it. It was him who made thing awkward, him who drove Magnus away, made him so alarmed he bolted rather then face his youngest cousin. It had been Johan, and Johan alone who had known why Magnus had left, and he'd been forced to live with it as everyone else panicked. They had all wondered where Pasha's favorite son had gone, and he'd been left being the only one who knew the truth - who knew it was his fault.
It didn't matter how many times Magnus would say it - he was always going to be afraid his cousin would. Magnus was a ghost in the wind, and it would be a long while before the paranoia would settle down, before he'd be able to watch Magnus leave the room without flinching.
The feeling of his hand against Magnus's chest was enough to make him shiver, leaning forward to rest his forehead against Magnus's shoulder. He could feel it - that fluttering, inconsistent heartbeat. It was erratic, so fast, and in another circumstance, Johan would have been alarmed. As it was, it was still strange, awkward and alarming. What did it even mean?
"I still love you." He mumbled softly.
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Post by magnus on Feb 8, 2012 21:30:24 GMT -5
Don’t say goodbye; I don’t wanna hear those words tonight Cause maybe it’s not the end for you and I Under regular pressing situations, Magnus could keep a straight face very well... but this time around, he found that he couldn’t. He was panicking in his mind, flailing about and trying to just not freak out completely outwardly. Johan didn’t need that; he needed someone to keep calm for him. He was scared, paranoid and thinking he’d just leave any time now again, but he wasn’t... He needed to stay, just to prove to Johan that he wasn’t going anywhere. The hand remained over his heart, Johan shuffling to nuzzle at his shoulder. Magnus only hugged him tighter, leeching off his warmth and feeling almost bad for it. He needed something to latch onto so badly, and the only thing here was Johan. He didn’t want to scare the poor kid though... he’d been through enough to not make him feel alright about letting the brunette see him suddenly vulnerable. ”I...” His throat was tight and he swore his breathing was going insane along with his heart rate. He gently pressed his forehead against Johan’s, keeping them close, almost clutching him to his chest. ”I love you too...”And although we knew, this time would come for me and you Don’t say anything tonight, if you’re gonna say goodbye
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Post by ress3 on Feb 14, 2012 1:05:34 GMT -5
[atrb=width,282px][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellpadding,0px,true][atrb=cellspacing,0px,true][atrb=background,http://i.imgur.com/1TdVf.jpg,true] | They were the words Johan had never quite heard. He knew them, of course, knew the context, what they meant, but they'd never been spoken to him before. Anya, his mother, had loved him, certainly enough, but she'd never quite said it. Not in those words. The Mikhaylichenko-Molotov's were not a friendly bunch, at the best of times. They were firmly loyal, dedicated to each other to the very end, but they were by no means a lovey-dovey bunch. Words with that sort of affection were few and far between. It was Johan who said them the most, to everyone, all the time, but it was never repeated, never said back.
Only now it had. Not just a familial affection, but a proper one - a real one. Actual love. From Magnus. Even in his dreams, he hadn't heard those words, couldn't have imagined what they would sound like from Magnus's lips. It was wonderful, enough to make his eyes squeeze shut as he tried to stop them from watering, breathing erratic as he tried not to move. Stupid. He shouldn't have reacted so severely too it, but he did anyway. It was so nice to hear it. "Love you." He mumbled, barely able to get the words out.
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Post by magnus on Feb 15, 2012 23:01:44 GMT -5
Don’t say goodbye; I don’t wanna hear those words tonight Cause maybe it’s not the end for you and I It was like a crack in his chest; he felt it, but it wasn't the bad kind... if that made sense. No, it was like keeping a sheet of metal between the cold outside and the warmth of a house. Johan was cracking through that, slowly but steadily. In the past, he'd instantly pushed anybody who even touched that sheet away, punched them in the nose and told them to get lost. But his little cousin had touched it, tore at it and eventually, cracked it. A small, small crack, but he clung to it like no tomorrow, welcoming the new warmth. The faint words murmured into his chest were barely audible, but he let it happen anyway. Magnus released Johan's hand from his chest, letting it fall or stay as he desired. Instead, his hand wandered to his chin, lifting his head to finally look at him. Clear blue, clear blue, both ways from here on out. He loved him, if this was what love was supposed to feel like... certainly better than those brief stints the time he was away. The blond muttered something, low under his breath, and even he barely understood it. But quickly, as to not hesitate, not wanting to regret anything, he leaned in and planted a light peck on Johan's lips. How long had he wanted to do that for? And although we knew, this time would come for me and you Don’t say anything tonight, if you’re gonna say goodbye
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Post by ress3 on Feb 18, 2012 0:36:33 GMT -5
[atrb=width,282px][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellpadding,0px,true][atrb=cellspacing,0px,true][atrb=background,http://i.imgur.com/1TdVf.jpg,true] | How many years had Johan wanted Magnus? They seemed endless, simply because the point between Magnus being his 'cousin', his 'brother', and his 'crush' was blurry. When had he stopped being one, and started being another? When had it moved past a familial affection? There was no clear answer, no set time when it had happened. It was all just a blur, smeared together until they were indistinguishable from one another.
He was not expecting a kiss, though. Not expecting anything at all. The confession was already so much, and the affection, but a kiss? A kiss was somehow commitment. It seemed to imply so much more, seemed to imply actual trying.
So he kissed back. Lightly, of course, because he'd never kissed anyone (even if he'd never admit as much to Magnus), but even as he did so, he let his hands wind around Magnus's back, pulling him closer.
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Post by magnus on Feb 18, 2012 17:03:38 GMT -5
Don’t say goodbye; I don’t wanna hear those words tonight Cause maybe it’s not the end for you and I Kissing wasn’t ever really something Magnus did. He didn’t kiss his one night stands or random drunk strangers that dragged him to bed… But sometimes he kissed his partner, when they were incredibly close. And he remembered before he left, he’d kiss Conrad, but he didn’t remember if he’d ever kissed Johan… though definitely not Pasha or Anya; they didn’t tolerate those things. Sex could be utterly void of emotion, but kisses could not… at least, that’s how he felt about them. Johan’s lips were soft, warm and strangely comforting. As they both lay there, latched onto each other, something sparked in the back of Magnus’ head. He wanted to scream as soon as it did, but kept himself outwardly calm for his little cousin’s sake. He often had these sparks of thought when he was fighting with Ludwig; how incredibly close they were… how vulnerable the other was, and how warm he was… And how much he wanted to bite him. The thought of it was horrifying, but appealing all at once. He bit Ludwig all the time… But it wasn’t the same, he had to tell himself. Ludwig had Zangoose DNA; he was immune to poisons, especially Magnus’. Hell, Magnus wasn’t even sure if Johan knew he was different now. But the driving fear behind the thought was enough, and the blond broke the kiss, recoiling slightly at what went on in his own head. He hadn’t killed anything in a while, he thought to himself, though he knew better that the itch to bite didn’t come from killing things… And although we knew, this time would come for me and you Don’t say anything tonight, if you’re gonna say goodbye
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Post by ress3 on Feb 19, 2012 20:23:19 GMT -5
[atrb=width,282px][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellpadding,0px,true][atrb=cellspacing,0px,true][atrb=background,http://i.imgur.com/1TdVf.jpg,true] | It was so nice, so pleasant. Johan could have stayed there forever, simply sitting with Magnus and enjoying how nice it felt to have him there. It was like all his fear and worries were safely shoved down, well away from the present, from his own thoughts. Having Magnus around meant he didn't have to worry about things.
So when Magnus pulled away, it was like someone pulled the rug out from under him. He couldn't know the reasons for it, beyond the fact that they'd kissed, and Magnus had pulled away like he'd been burned. Immediately Johan's mind was filled with all the possibilities, all the possible explanations for why.
"Am I not doing it right?" He asked, voice soft, almost afraid. Had he not done it right? He hadn't, before. He had no experience, and Magnus so obviously did. He was older, more attractive - how could he not have experience.
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